YES M'LADY

I do not wish to cause offence, and I do not wish to cause offence, and just to clarify, as I am writing this, the smile on my face is from ear to ear, but I do realise that the humour may not be shared.  Firstly, I understand how blessed I am, in my sixtieth year, to still have my mother around, and taking into consideration how much she did for me when I was little, I should not complain at having to take care of her for a couple of weeks!  However, the story could go two ways.  The first could be a medical drama series, where the family member gets rather frustrated and the situation becomes volatile.  The second, and I have chosen to take this path, is the sitcom, where everything has a funny side to it!  Suffice it to say, my last week has been an amusing challenge!

Chef Tracie was going to cook all week, and day one, the menu was chili con carne.  "Where are you going to buy the mince meat?" was the question.  I played her at her own game.  "Sainsburys", I said.  I knew that she would not like that answer, and waited.  "Marks is better.  Get it from there".  Now I had her permission to get the meat from Marks!  I left it to her imagination as to where I bought the 'other' ingredients.  Returning home, I prepared dinner and put it in the slow cooker, which I found hiding in the bottom of the wardrobe!  Where else!

"Can you put this away", comes the command, rather than the question.  I go to put 'it' away, and am told, "Will you you just come and do....".  I come and 'do'.  "Did you put it away?"  No!  I am 'doing'!  Jump to!  

A hospital appointment was the outing for Monday afternoon.  "You can park here".  No, I can't.  "Put the 'blue badge' in the window".  I am not sure where ambulances are meant to go with emergency patients, but if my mother has an appointment, critical is put on hold!  I left her at the 'self-check-in' point and went to find a space for the car.  "Where have you been?" was the first thing she said as I came to find her.  Apparently, her 'blue badge' has privileges that surpass the norm.  We sat in a bubble.  This bubble, apparently, allows my mum to say anything she wants at any time, at any volume, because no one can hear.  Or can they?  I am not entirely sure the bubble actually exists, but surely no one would be so blunt about those sitting within the vicinity!  The word 'sorry' became almost insignificant!  

All results were positive.  The doctor was delighted with them.  The only negative thing was my mother.  Obviously, I have no idea how she actually feels, but the words 'empty', 'glass' and 'half' came to mind!

My highlight of the day was a visit to 'my boys' on Monday afternoon, and we played for a while before I headed back for dinner, which was eaten with gusto. 

Another sleepless night took us to Tuesday morning.   I took the roads and headed to Asda, where I bought dinner for Wednesday night and wandered around the store several times before finding everything I needed.  "I like your shopping list", said the lady at the checkout.  I had chocolate and sweets.  I explained that they would be rationed, as I did not live here, etc., etc.  "Oh, we 'ad some of that American stuff 'ere.  What's it called?"  I responded.  "That was it.  'Ershies.  Didn't like it.  Weren't chocolate.  'Ow can you tell people to buy stuff you think tastes 'orrible", she said.  I agreed!

Steph dropped the boys off while she went shopping, and we played hide and seek, put together jigsaws, and in the end had a game of badminton in the back garden.  Well, I say a 'game', but it was more like, "Let's put the net here.  No here.  No here."  Eventually, the football came out and we kicked it around until Steph came back.  It was a great compliment when the boys ran to the door and said, "Can you go away and come back later!"  

Tuesday's dinner was beef stew.  "Hmm.  You can tell the difference with Marks' meat", mum said.  She didn't see the packet that came from Sainsburys but what the eyes don't see..... as the saying goes.  

I spent the day with Richard and the boys on Wednesday.  Hot dogs in Costco for lunch and a big ice cream sundae made me realise why I stopped eating both, let alone both together!  It was pouring with rain all day, so a run in the park was not an option!  Instead, I sat and made lots of Lego things.  Richard watched as I put one piece on top of the other, and just built, and built. I explained that as a five year old, anything goes.  As the parent of the five year old, you want to make everything, stick it together, make it symmetrical, and save it.  As the grandparent, you go back to being a five year old!  

I received a call from my mother to say that she had an appointment for a scan on Friday at 12:30pm.  I said that it would not be a problem. Ten minutes later I received a text from my sister, showing me a text from my mum's carer to say she had an appointment for a scan on Friday at 12:30pm.  Apparently, my sister had not responded before she got the text, so I had to be called.

Dinner was trout.  "Hmm.  Where did you get this?"  I changed the subject.  

Thursday was going to be a fun day.  "How long will you be out?"  I did not know.  Ollie and I were going to London to see the Queen. Much as I swim regularly and have gone for some lovely long walks, nothing prepared me for the hundred yard sprint to get to the bus stop as the bus was coming!  Huffing and puffing as I got on to the vehicle, I pressed my prepaid card on the button.  "Upstairs, grandma.  Come on".  I climbed the steep staircase, and flopped down in the seat.  The train waited for me!  We arrived at Buckingham Palace after changing trains twice, and walking across the park.  As the guards were not changing, we went to the Guards Museum, and then to the Supreme Court.  "This is where the baddies go",  I said.  "Can we go in?"  We could!  To a five year old, a baddie is the villain in a Marvel film, or a cartoon show.  I could see the imagination working, as we walked into the courtroom.  A guard stood at the side and watched as Ollie's eyes scanned the room before backing out, not wanting to stay, but not wanting to leave.  

Lunch was taken from McDonald's to Trafalgar Square.  Up on Nelson's Column Ollie climbed.  The side wall being about five feet, and the surface of the first level being slippery, I found it quite difficult to join him.  My feet slipped on the side, my hands slipped on the surface.  I took a run and jump leap, but that did not work.  I put my elbows on the top and tried to haul myself up.  Getting one leg onto the surface, I slid my stomach across, and rolled over.  Suddenly, I was the entertainment!  After lunch, and a few photos by the lions, I suggested we go and have a look at the soldiers on horses.  "Let's go.  Wait for ..........".  Ollie was down, off the column, and I was still sitting atop.  How I got down is a mystery, but I did.  

On our way home, we went to see Richard.  Belsize Park station is very deep underground.  The 189 steps are for emergencies, or for people who want to experience shortage of breath and aching legs.  Oxygen masks are not provided!  Guess who did not take the lift!

I met my friend Lesley for dinner.  I received approval for one outing in the evening, provided I was back in time to help with bedtime duties!  Although I was not actually told that I could not go out, I knew it was not a good idea.  Sometimes, you just know! I had a lovely time and was home by 10!  "You haven't seen any other friends", said mum when I got home.  "I have to be home in time to help you into bed".  Silence, then, "Yes.  That's true".  Sometimes, you just know!

Steph dropped Ollie off a little after nine on Friday.  Ollie and I played 'hide and seek' again, and then football in the rain!  After lunch we set off to the hospital.  "Go in and get a porter", was the order.  I smiled and obeyed!  "Excuse me.  I wonder if it would be possible to get a porter with a wheelchair to take my mother from the car to the third floor", I asked the receptionist, with my biggest smile, and most pleading voice.  "I can't just get one like that. you know", said the receptionist.  "They don't just come like that, you know".  Obviously I did not know!  "Oh, well can I order one?" I asked, naively.  "Why can't you do it yourself.  The wheelchairs are there", she said pointing.  I hadn't been told I could do it myself. "You can't do it yourself", said mum, as I arrived back at the car, pushing a chair that did not want to go forward.  One of the wheels was stuck, and it kept turning in circles.  "Ask that person to help you", she insisted.  "That person is walking with two sticks", said I.  "I think he needs a chair himself".  No. No. That person has a plaster on their arm.  The ambulance driver has to drive the ambulance.  "Get in the chair!"  

I left my mother by the receptionist.  Ollie and I took the car to the disabled car park, and did not have to wait too long for a space.  By the time we came back, mum had alienated the receptionist.  "I told her that I needed a porter but she said they did not answer when she called".  I pushed the chair.  "She needs help". my mother shouted.  "No I don't", I smiled sweetly at the passers by.  

The receptionist on the third floor was most pleasant, despite being told that she had to get someone to push the wheelchair into the next department.  

Before the allotted time, we were ushered into the scanning room.  Ollie sat still for thirty seconds, then brought out his pen.  Within seconds, the top to the pen had 'jumped off', and landed somewhere in the room.   After the scan, the lady scanner, her assistant, Oliver and I were on all fours searching for the pen top!  Eventually, I found it, in my bag!  "She needs someone to push me", said my mother.  "No I don't", I replied, sweetly.  "Can you get someone to push me", she asked a lady in the waiting room.  Then she asked a nurse, an auxiliary worker, and finally another patient.  I just laughed; the sort of 'ha ha' laugh that insinuated that she did not know what she was saying.  "Get the car and I will wait here", she said, as we exited. "I will push you to the car", I said and circled around the area three times before I could get the chair to go forward!  Across the road we went in a zigzag fashion.  "She needs help", was heard as I ran across the car park, like an inebriated driver.  

Home for lunch, and then I took Ollie to the supermarket to buy his mum some flowers.  He had bought presents for Jamie and his dad on Thursday, but had not got anything for mummy.  After taking him home and spending a while playing with the boys, I went back for dinner, or to make dinner!

Saturday came and went, with the reminder that I had not seen many friends, and the confirmation that it would not be a good idea to be out after dark! 

Sunday was a lovely day.  Steph had asked us for brunch to celebrate Ollie's birthday.  With so many people to chat to, Mum was occupied, and I was able to relax somewhat.

Next week is still to come!  I am booked to go home on Thursday and am already feeling guilty for abandoning my mother, but more so my sister, who will still be here when I am gone!  I know I am blessed to have my mother around in my sixtieth year.  Next week is .............. another story!