I WANNA TELL YOU A STORY!

I saw a meme last week, which puts things into perspective, especially this time of year.  Whilst the rest of the world (at varying times) have 'Autumn', Texas has 'Hotumn'.  It is just not quite as hot as it is during the summer, and our pleasant temperatures would be 'summer' to some, but the 'fall' did not quite happen as quickly as expected.  Monday was hot.  The humidity made if feel hotter. but the brief period of autumnalness disappeared for a while.  

My focus this week has been on my front door.  Years ago, there was a British entertainer by the name of Max Bygraves, and his 'catchphrase' was, "I wanna tell you a story!"  I have thought of Mr. Bygraves over the past months, as each time I think the saga of my front door is coming to an end, it starts all over again!  I had considered just starting this post by saying, "I wanna tell you a story!" but alas, the story is not complete!  I shall expound further with this week's progression, or regression as the case may be!

Perhaps it is the cooling of the temperatures, or perhaps it is a new tactic but the telephonic world has gone mad!  Just when I think there is nothing new out there, there is something new.  When a call starts with a robotic voice telling me, "Do not hang up", I am accustomed to doing just that, and hang up!  I am not sure why they think that would be a reason to stay on the line, without an introduction of any kind.  However, I have three (yes, three) joint winners in the "Huh?" category, this week.  The first is, "You are the only person in this conversation".  Well, actually, if you expect me to take a recorded voice as a real person, I am not!  The second, which is a little more interesting is "You have dialed an invalid extension".  Actually, I just answered the phone, but ho hum!  The third, is the call for 'Alison'.  It appears that 'Alison' wants a new roof, or some sort of home improvement project to take place.  It is a real person asking for Alison, and I tell them (or have told them several times) that they have the wrong number.  The caller then says that perhaps I can help.  How?  I am not Alison.  The caller then asks if I have any work that needs doing on my property.  "What about Alison?" I asked, this week.  The caller was a little dumbfounded, but said that it was okay, he would call Alison another time.  Did I have any work that needed doing.  I expressed my concern for Alison.  She would be waiting for his call.  I did not really want someone who would not follow up in a timely manner to be taking care of my work.  He really should call Alison before trying to solicit new business!  Apparently, 'Alison' is the only person who is awaiting a quote, or a repair, or a call back, because several people have called, from different numbers, asking for her.  Maybe Alison was so fed up with their track record that she gave them my number in the hope that they would stop calling her!  I would like to speak to Alison and let her know that I do not appreciate her tactics!  Or perhaps I should just say, "This is Alison, how can I help".  

There could be an argument that the 'wrong number' or 'Spam call' (which by all accounts, appears to be so called from the 'Monty Python' sketch of all things 'Spam', and I am willing to stand corrected if not) is not of any particular interest, as everyone is affected.  Some are more 'illicit' than others, and some more 'dangerous' but no one seems to be immune.  I wonder if the 'spam' callers actually receive spam calls, themselves.  Is Alison a 'spammer'!  However, when around eighty percent of incoming calls are, indeed, 'spam' in nature, they take up a lot of time!

I wondered if I had something in common with Alison, as the 'doorman' was supposed to come on Tuesday, between 9 and 11.  To briefly tell 'the story', we had ordered a new front door at the beginning of May.  We paid for the door, and for it to be installed, as it seemed a good idea to have an 'expert' take on the job, as it is, after all, the main entrance, and needs to be secure.  An appointment was set up for two weeks after the initial purchase, and the installer was due to arrive, again, between 9 and 11.  The original call, back in May, came a little after midday to say he would be there around 12:30.  All seemed well.  When the guy arrived, he noticed that the door was damaged, and he said he would have to go back to the store to get another one.  However, the installation department closed at four, and he was not sure he would be there in time.  It was a little after three at the time.  Apparently, they had shut early that day, and he said he would have to go and get it the next day, and call to make another appointment.  He also put up new trim, on top of the old, and it looked ghastly but I would take him up on that when he returned.  We received a call to say another appointment had been set for two weeks ahead.  

Five months later, and we are still without a permanent front door! (The one there at the moment is a great fit, but has slight damage, which is okay at present but may prove to cause a problem in a couple of years.)  To make a very, very long and arduous story short(er), I will try to condense the facts.  (Very difficult for me, as you can imagine!)  Door number two arrived, which did not fit properly, and did not lock.  Two weeks later, the fitter arrived, and tried to 'fill' the gaps.  There were still gaps, and it would not lock.  The fitter returned, two weeks later, and tried again.  The fourth visit did not happen as his truck broke down.  By now, it was the middle of August, and as I have said, Texas was hot!  He returned and said that the store had required him to take measurements, as they were going to order a 'specially fitted door'.  At last!  Progress!  

I was in England when the door was meant to be fitted, so we made an arrangement for a time when I would be home.  The fitter did not show.  Apparently, the door had gone missing!  The new, specially fitted door, could not be found. I was on the phone to the installation company, who could not have been more sympathetic and helpful, but they were having a problem locating my door!  It was now that I started to become a little more forceful.  Perhaps I should have been a little more aggressive after the second attempt, but trying to get workmen to work is not an easy task!  Back and forth we went, and I was promised a new door and a new date.  

I think even the late Max Bygraves would have given up with the story at this stage!  I dread to think how long Alison has been waiting for a return call!  However, back to the story, or as we used to call them, a Shaggy Dog tale!  To wit, a long monologue of irrelevant information to the reader, with a less than satisfactory outcome!  

After calling the call-centre, several times, I was finally told that someone would be out on Tuesday, between (yes, you have guessed it) 9 and 11!  On Monday, I called to confirm.  "You got confirmation.  What more do you want?" said Day-ann at the call centre of the company which I will not mention, to protect the innocent, although I am not sure there are many of those, but whose name is not 'Highs'!  Day-ann went on to tell me that a call had been made and a message sent.  Perhaps the message did not go through, but she could not help that!  What more did I want?  Well, someone to show up would be nice, or at least a call to say they were not bothering to show at all.  After all, two hours waiting at my house for a no-show is not really my idea of fun!  Perhaps Day-ann has a different idea of entertainment!  On Tuesday morning, I called the corporate office, and whilst received sympathy, did not get very far. I called back to the installation department, who put me through to the installers.  The installers had stopped responding to me, telling me that I had to talk to a specific person at the store.  I called the store and found out that the 'specific person' was in fact a 'floater' between stores!

Suffice it to say, at eleven fifteen, I called back!  I asked to speak to a supervisor!  "We don't have one here at the moment", came the reply. I was not impressed.  She asked if she could have the number associated with the account and I gave it to her.  "Looks like you have an appointment scheduled for ....", and her voice trailed off.  "Yes", said I, "Between 9 and 11!"  Once again, we went through the story of how I still did not have a front door, of how they 'lost' the door and how I was now not frustrated, but focussed!  After she had called the store, ascertained that there was no 'special door' ordered, nor were they expecting anyone to come and get a door, she called the installers.  They told her that the guy would be with me by 12:30 as he was running late.  She called the store again, to make sure they had a door!

The new man arrived at the time he said he would arrive!  I asked if he had the 'trim' and he said he was not told he needed trim.  He had a look at the door, could not believe what he was seeing, and said he would have to go back and get the trim.  Would I be available on Thursday?  I was taken aback.  Not two weeks on Thursday, but this Thursday?  Why yes, of course?  Why two weeks!  Once again I went through the story!

My guests on Wednesday night looked at the door that was standing in the hallway.  "Do you have a new door?" asked one.  "Yes", said I.  "It is that thing standing in the hallway!"  

I was not really holding out much hope for Thursday.  I had been through too much to actually expect someone to come and put this thing right, and I had already started looking at other options.  Mr Bygraves would probably have told the story with a little more humour and a lot more expression! However, sure enough, as promised, the man appeared with yet another new door!  "A door isn't going to work!"  Again, I am not on the stage, and the humour was yet to be experienced! He explained that the door slab is fitted around a frame, and both are fitted as one.  Of course the 'door' didn't fit as it was being put into a different frame!  He also found the wood under the new trim to be rotted away, and my front step, under the metal flange, to be rotten.  The first guy should have noticed this.  Also, there was no need to take measurements back to the store.  They had them!  It appeared I had been taken for quite the ride with the previous man, who had left me with gaps in the door, and no locking mechanism.  The common consensus of opinion was that he was logging in the time but not doing the job, or was just lazy!  The 'new' guy called his office and told them this, mentioning that he was saying it all in front of me, as I had been done wrong!  He left after he had fitted everything into place.  He would have to return as the new door was no good! There was also a dent in the door!  

My trustee maintenance man took out the rotting wood, and the installer promised he would be back on Saturday.  This Saturday? Not two weeks on Saturday?  "Yes, of course, this Saturday!"

Friday was once again slightly warmer.  We worked a long day and I was so glad when we got home.  The door that had been fitted was already much better than the previous debacle!  My living room was cold!  The air conditioning was not having to compete gaps in the door!

Mr Bygraves probably would have received howls of laughter when he told of the Saturday morning story!  "Ma'am", came the voice over the phone.  "I am at the store and they have two doors.  Both damaged.  We are trying to locate another one, and shall do an ISE and have you a new door.  A what?  He repeated it again, and I asked, "What is an ISE?"  Apparently, it is trade talk for an Inter-store exchange!  I told him I would await his call.  However, I was aware that the Installation department shut at four.  Were they open at weekends.  Apparently, Gabriel, the first guy, was not being entirely honest when he told me he could not get another door.  He did not have to go through the Installation department at all.  That was merely for the bookings and measurements!  

I went out shopping and received a text at two.  After going to three stores, he found a door.  A perfect door.  Was I available on Tuesday?  This Tuesday? Yes!

The rest of my weekend was full of questions from everyone.  Did I have a new door?  Has Alison got a new door?   Did Max Bygraves ever say, "I wanna tell you a story" about a door?  Who knows! At this point I care little.  Will I get a new door Tuesday?  All that and, hopefully more, will be revealed in .............. another story!