DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!

 I was having a slight problem with my butternut squash.  Despite having two grown, one quite small, the other of reasonable size, they were forming, then slowly dying.  It was rather distressing.  Having made the 'dish of the century' the previous week, I was now looking at some rather shriveled (dare I say) embryos, that did not make it past first base, let alone have a sight of the finish line!  I had read about various reasons, many of which ended with the demise of the plant due to one deadly disease or another, all of which I might add could have been attributed to my plants. However, I was not going to give up hope, as bloom and grow (as did the Edelweiss) did they!  They just didn't seem to be able to produce. I finally stumbled upon a gardener who had a possible solution.  They were not being pollinated.  I can hear a good number shouting, "Duh!" and see a good number, hands in the air, shouting, "I know what to do" and perhaps I should have asked for advice from other sources rather than seeking, as most know that the worst thing a layman can do when they are not feeling well is consult a medical dictionary!  

It was going to be the hottest week of the year, and whilst there was a slight chance of rain towards the end, the days were going to be quite stifling.  Of course, my garden is not set in the best possible way, and the plants that need direct sunlight are over to the side, whereas those that perhaps need a tad more shade, are right in the middle!  It was a mistake, and one that I am determined not to repeat.  My problem is that I want to run before I can walk, and instead of letting nature take its course, and allowing the summer plant life to come to an end and start afresh, I am already starting to think of winter and spring vegetables that I can start now.  I am my own worst enemy!  Space is something I do not have and time allotted is not always best spent!

Arriving home last week, I was raring to go!  I opted against the scrubs, or the gown, but I did wash my hands.  After all, when operating, even on plants, one should not let standards dip!  However, the flowers were not very compliant.  In the sunlight, the butternut squash flowers close and refuse to open until the glowing light has departed from the heavens.  Perhaps they are after dark creatures!  I was starting to make mental notes!

The previous Tuesday morning was perfect.  I had an array of beautiful flowers on the plant, and armed with paintbrush (explanation will be published) I ventured out to the garden.  The male flowers were not particularly happy about me plucking them from their stems, but the man on the Internet assured me that this was how I could activate more life!  (We all know how everything on the Internet is the truth!) I was stuck between a rock and a hard place!  Was this what is known as 'collateral damage'?  Males sacrificing themselves for the greater good!  I had to keep telling myself it was nature.  All would wither and die without a helping hand, and then where would the plant world be?  I took the first victim and did as I was shown.  I was hoping no one could see me (although I do not see how anyone could, as I was behind closed doors, and my neighbours' view is obscured) but I wanted to put up a 'rating' just to be safe.  If plants went to the movies, this would either be 'X' rated, or educational! I took the male and gently massaged it against the female.  I cannot lie, I felt myself blush!  After a couple of decapitations, I decided to head to the cucumbers.  Here is where the paintbrush comes into play!  As the flowers on the cucumbers are rather small, they need a little more help.   "Take the paintbrush and gently gather the pollen".  I did as I had been told.  Then I gently brushed the yellow substance on to a female flower.  This seemed a little less intrusive, and did not require the death of the male!  It may sound dramatic, but I can assure you I felt as if I was performing a major operation!  

Coming back to the squash, I decided it may be more humane and take care of them the same way as I had taken care of the cucumbers.  First rule of pollinating.  Do not cross pollinate, unless you know what you are doing!  Although this year's stock will not be affected, so I am told, if I collect the seeds from any would be butternut squash, and plant them, I could end up, next year, with either a catastrophic hybrid, or a very tasty butternut-cue!  It was too late!  I have used the same brush on three plants!  Live and learn!  

"Perhaps you will have created something amazing", said Grant when I admitted to my mistake.  When asked by someone else what was going on, he started to tell them.  "Tracie...".  I stopped him.  "Call me doctor, if you don't mind!" I corrected.  The laughter, of course, was quite raucous.  "Doctor what?"  Not Dr. Who!  If I went by that title, I would of course only succeed!  There were a few names passed around, a few of which not repeatable!  

My paintbrush was washed, and used only on the intended 'victims' during the rest of the proceedings.  My husband had purchased a rather spiffy item to zap mosquitoes, whose dinner I have become, as well as breakfast, lunch, midnight snacks and elevensies!  I had decided that whilst I was performing my medical tasks, I could limit the amount of medical attention my poor limbs need to receive after I extend (possible) life to my babies.  Of course, I was now starting to feel a little cannibalistic, as the reason behind the pollination is to produce things to eat.  The phrase that was immortalised decades ago, came to mine.  'Plants are people too!'  I am not sure whether the exclamation mark should go before or after the quote mark, but either way, I was starting to think too hard!  However, I digress.  The 'zapper' seemed like a good idea at the time.  I could put it outside and if it did what it was meant to do, I would be bypassed, and the insects would fly directly to the light, not passing go, not collecting $200, be it in cash or flesh!  I can hear a good number shouting, "No!" and see a good number, hands in the air, shouting, "Don't".  I didn't!  It occurred to me to check before commencing with any more drastic action.  Becoming an artificial pollinator was pressure enough!  The whole reason for lack of plants was lack of pollinators.  Natural pollinators are, as always, the best way forward.  Do mosquitoes pollinate?  I can hear a good number shouting, "Duh!" and see a good number, hands in the air, shouting, "Yes!"  

"Perhaps I could get an allotment somewhere", I half joked in front of my colleagues, to wit my daughter and Grant.  Grant thought it was a great idea.  My daughter shook her head and rued the day Grant ever gave me the 'All you can eat in three square feet' book.  "See what you've done!  A monster, I tell you, a monster".  Well Frankenstein I am not quite yet!  Who knows what will materialise from my 'mistake', but if it works....!  Famous or infamous! I can only imagine what sort of problems I would run into if I had a larger piece of land to cultivate, or perhaps experiment.  I can see myself being hauled up in front of a group of magistrates, as to whether I was committing crimes against nature! I can hear a good number shouting, "Oh for goodness sake.  You haven't got a clue." and see a good number, hands in the air, shouting, "Get her out of here!" 

Having never really been much good at growing anything, the success I have had is really rather encouraging.  Some, however, might say it has gone to my head!  (I will let you guess who are the 'some', or perhaps 'one'.)  The man on the Internet, however, may have been the reason for my success.  This week not only have I found three new butternut squashes not only surviving but growing rather quickly, but I have also found I have twins!  A set of male and female!  I am sure that has nothing to do with the pollination process, but who knows.  No, please, do not shout out or put your hand in the air!  I could not take the negativity!  I feel a modicum of success!

Gardening here is, of course, far different to gardening at home.  I do not, at this time, need a greenhouse (or hot house) as my patio is a hot house!  This time of year, it is very hot!  

Of all the things that I could grow here, I have chosen some simplistic plants.  Nothing has needed too much attention, apart from the obvious, which hopefully will not be needed on a regular basis!  

I apologise to gardeners, growers and cultivators all over!  I do no intend to trivialise the process, as it has brought me joy and some solace!  Even in my handkerchief, it is relaxing.  Onwards and upwards and perhaps I shall have something else to chat about in ........ another story!