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Sunday, May 17, 2015


It would seem that I have been locked out of several accounts that I do not have.  I received an abundance of emails letting me know that my non-existent credit card was going to be terminated, my bank account (with a bank with whom I have never banked) was being suspended, and the administrators of another account, of which I had never heard, were stopping all further transactions, unless I responded immediately. However, I did not panic, as it would appear that I was also the recipient of an outrageous amount of money, that could be transferred to my savings account, as soon as I gave the sender all my personal details.  Obviously, as my account (with the bank with whom I have never banked) was being suspended, there seemed little point in accepting the money, and I trusted that the sender of the email would then send the details to the next beneficiary on the list, a person whom they were confident would jump at the chance of becoming a multi-millionaire, should I ignore the opportunity!

I would have welcomed the opportunity of not going to work on Monday.  The weekend seemed to have flown by, and I could not really get myself into business mode.  Despite the offer of on-line postage, I chose to drive myself to the mailing facility to send a parcel that needed to be checked for all things illicit before being transported to its destination.  Obviously, I chose the wrong time to make my visit, as the queue was extremely long.  Unlike the post office downtown, there is no specific busy time at our local depot, although it might be beneficial for all customers to check the time I want to go, and avoid it, as most times I have to queue for a considerable time, only to be told, "It was very quiet ten minutes ago"!  

I had failed to arrive completely equipped, as I had left my telephone at the office.  I was unable to check as to whether my account with The Royal Bank of Narnia had been put into a state of lock-down, or if my Hogwarts debit card had been cloned, unlike the rest of the people in line, who were tapping furiously at their hand-held devices.  Being fourteenth in the queue was not as exasperating as being fifteenth.  The elderly lady that stood behind me was not at all impressed with having to wait in line.  The two people on the other side of the counter, who were taking care of the customers, were spending too much time (in the opinion of the person behind me) with their clientele.  There was no need (in the opinion of the person behind me) to explain the different options for posting their respective packages.  As one person left the counter, another approached, with several parcels.  The elderly lady behind grunted in disapproval as the post office employee started to list the alternatives, including prices, expected times of delivery and other relevant information, giving his customer the care for which this particular facility is renowned.  As I became number thirteen in line, (nothing unlucky about that apart from the fact that I was in front of number fourteen,) number fifteen arrived.  The grunts of disapproval were noticed and misinterpreted as a medical condition.  Very sympathetically, the gentleman inquired as to the health of number fourteen, and was treated to the history of her queuing.  It did not take long, despite the amount of parcels, for me to be number two in the queue.  Eventually, the couple in front of me were called to the counter.  Their wish was simple.  They required some 'congratulatory' stamps to stick on envelopes containing invites to a graduation party.  A book containing a variety of options was presented to the couple.  This appeared to be totally nonsensical to the elderly lady (formerly known as number fourteen) who now stood at number two in the queue, as she grunted a few more times and told number three that she should have gone to the 'other' facility on the opposite side of the highway. I thought she was going to explode when the couple could not decide on a suitable 'design' and asked, "Do you have any others?"   When the clerk stacked three more folders on the counter top, it became a little too overwhelming for the aged lady, who was now unable to keep her opinions purely within the earshot of the two people standing next to her. Uninspiring as the stamps were, the couple made their selection instantly following the outburst, and I replaced them.  My request was simple, and my time at the counter was very short.  I smiled knowingly at the clerk, and he responded in kind, as he was now going to be the one who would be required to assist the sweet little old lady who had eventually earned her place at the front of the queue.  

I returned to the office, checked my telephone for 'missed calls', and was not surprised to see that I had none.  According to my emails, my telephone account had been discontinued, and I would have to take drastic measures to reinstate it.  However, the account that had been discontinued was not the one to which I subscribe.  I surmised that it must have been a coincidence that no calls had come through whilst I was not in possession of my hand held device!  

Along with my non-existent bank accounts being temporarily out of action, I was informed that the warranty on my car was due to expire!  I was tempted to follow up on this particular communication, and ask what companies provide this kind of service on a vehicle that is approaching eleven years old, and has reached over a century in mileage, but my time, like the former number fourteen, was a little too precious to waste on such frivolity!  I would just have to 'go it alone', and take the chance, should anything untoward happen to my jalopy!  If I was in the unfortunate position where a repair was necessary, my course of action would be obvious.  With the inability to use my terminated credit card, and the inability to draw any money from my suspended account, I would have to go 'cap in hand' and apologise to those nice people who claimed I had been the recipient of millions.  

My car was in good working order on Wednesday, when I drove to Joe, and then on to my manicurist.  I felt very blessed that I did not have to resort to drastic measures and swallow my pride! However, once I returned to the office, I was once again showered with offers of incredibly large sums of money.  One phone call after another offered me 'once in a lifetime' opportunities.  From all accounts, the government (I did get them to repeat the benefactor!) had selected me (I did get them to repeat that I was the beneficiary) to receive a grant of a quarter of a million dollars (I did get them to repeat the amount) with no need to repay the amount, as long as I used it on something that would benefit me!  Apparently, shoes were not on the list, nor were digital cameras, nor using the money to send the caller and her family on a vacation of a lifetime.  My inability to take the call very seriously, resulted in the caller becoming somewhat agitated, and she rescinding the offer, by terminating the call!  Not deterred by the fact that I was now not going to be a 'multi-thousandaire', I answered the next call.  The government (I did get them to repeat the benefactor!) had selected my business (I did get them to repeat that my business was the beneficiary) to receive a grant of an undisclosed amount (they would not disclose the amount) which I would not have to repay, as long as I used it in ways that would increase sales.  Increase sales?  I questioned the caller.  Sales?  We deliver court documents, how can we increase sales?  This apparently was not a question that was expected, nor one that could be answered, and the schpeil continued, being repeated from the beginning. Apparently, buying shoes to enhance my appearance to increase my sales, was not an option.  The purchase of a digital camera to take pictures to provide an album of available sales was not an option. Sending the caller and his family on a vacation of a lifetime, as a thank you, was not an option.  My inability to take the offer seriously caused it to be rescinded, by termination of the call!  Perhaps the former number fourteen would have had the wisdom, due to her years upon this earth, to answer appropriately, and gain the magnificent prize that was on offer! With all my apparent financial woes, due to the Bank of Narnia suspending my accounts, and Sponge-Box Square-Pants Financial Institution putting a 'stop' on all transactions made with their credit card, I should have been more judicious with my application!

The weekend rolled around and despite my failure to secure 'free money', being held to ransom over my car's warranty, and my lack of financial wherewithal being in question, I managed to stagger to Sunday morning.  Samantha had taken part in a 'colour run' on Saturday morning, something in which I not only failed to participate (although I am sure I could have found a sponsor among my benefactors) but also failed to attend.  She and her friend, Cori, completed the event quite literally with 'flying colours'!  Our shopping trip was unaided by grants, gifts or other financial offers, and my car quite happily hopped to her house without the need of additional assistance.  

The weather continues to be erratic, with storms causing flooding in our complex in the morning, and giving way to sunny skies and temporarily dry ground in the afternoon.  I plan to while away a couple of hours by the increased depth pool, while my email inbox gets flooded with offers on how to resolve all the financial woes of which I was unaware.  However, I feel not the need to wallow in despair over my fictitious impending bankruptcy and hope that the senders do not feel they have been underachieving when I do not reply!  Perhaps before the weekend is over, I shall win another lottery upon a ticket which I did not purchase, but that will have to remain .............. another story! 

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